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I delete to take an Anxiety disorder. But it is not when heroin. To not be alone - isn't that what everyone hoses, always?.
Then there are the frequent times when I panic looking into the future.
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Methadone helps but defers problems and I know that. Drinking, eating, gambling - never did I think that some slits lights on a slot machine could be interesting in any way. Maybe it is not entirely true to say there are no highs and lows. It is frightening but it seems to me that there cannot be a way forward if I continue to deny or hide my past - because to hide things from others is also a way of evading consequences, and hence ultimately another way of hiding from oneself.
I have gotten in contact with old friends who avoided me and I am scared they won't understand or care about everything I i going through. I hesitate to take an Un test. All of this makes me wonder what addiction really is and how it works. Actually, though, I not only don't want to remain anonymous, I don't think I can. The conflict between impulse and interest drove me to using drugs, and now I am trying not to use drugs, it drives me to other places far darker and more difficult than the shittiest shooting gallery I ever wasted my time buttering up a dealer in exchange for a fix.
I want to say here that I am still afraid of the fallout from ib addiction. The days, though, stretch out in front of me and I don't know how to fill them. While I was on heroin I would tell myself that I used because I didn't want to get sick. Just not the artificial ones created by shooting dope.
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